So, I am a Buddhist and chant for things. i notice that sometimes I chant and drama happens. And sometimes not of my cause. I feel like a catalyst for people or should I say my friends. I have been working hard to not run away from things. It is easy to do. My whole life as an Air Force Brat makes it easy.
I have been seeing a therapist. Well, I decided to stop seeing her. She started adding things like, “in my personal opinion!” and “I hate it when gay men…” She started becoming bias. Not to mention canceling 2 appointments in a row. For me those words were red flags. What do you do when the professional help is not being professional? Well, it is time to move on.
I haven’t been interested in dealing with guys as of late. After the FWB/ wanted a relationship with me… I have been a little timid on the idea of dating or doing anything for that matter. I am becoming quite jaded on the relationship idea. What ever you want to call it, it is a relationship of some type because you involve someone else.
Last night, a close friend that is a girl wanted to go to the club. I wasn’t in the mood. I just wanted to go to see the Avengers! She wanted to drink and hit the club. She has been wanting to drink quite a bit. Well, school is out. So no twins running around. So, we had dinner and went… against my desire. But, I like dancing. Well… sigh…
I have been talking to guys and meeting people, but all gay men want is sex and an instant relationship. Its weird, when one has trust issues. I am not denying it.
The “use to be one” actually showed up. It was weird, he looked good. But that was physical attraction talking. A cordial, Hello! passed between us. My girlfriend decided to yell “Thats the crazy one!” Omg… That should have been the clue to leave. She is my barrier from gay men at the club. When with girlfriends, gay men do not approach.
Other guys we have odd relationships with were there. Two or three months of meeting people and all this crap of odd relationships has evolved. I know I am not completely to blame. But I also admit I have contributed. I am learning the ropes as one might say.
Well, I had a few to many drinks. While dancing and having fun, I kissed my Bestie/Girlfriend I was with. A peck on the lips… to sweet an innocent! Not sexual at all! But she freaked out. I saw the look on her face I was like sorry. I didn’t meant to. Only because of her reaction! Its like a wall was erected between us in an instant. I have had other girlfriends where it was nothing. Simple innocent affection! I shouldn’t analyze it, but I think she freaked out because she likes me?
Tell me what You think… if you want to answer this.
She took a cab home. And let me drive home drunk and distraught. My issues of abandonment rising high while drunk. I know I should not have driven, but I wasn’t about to stay at a club feeling the way I did. With them around, the men, like cannibals ready to pounce on me. This morning the issue isn’t there. I realize she needs space from me. I am not completely to blame. Her anger with me seems way to intense. Along with her reaction! And I don’t understand it. So it is her issue. I just have to move on and hope she stays my friend. That we can work through it. I don’t think her boyfriend would freak out about it. I could be wrong. I don’t know.
Intent and Action! They get confused with people all the time. I am tired of figuring out relationships. I am going to start chanting again for school. A future with me loving myself! I am going to do what I love for me and hopefully things will fall into place.
I have this choice… I can get my masters degree completely online. I could leave. I just have this fear if I don’t learn now and deal with things for myself. They will follow me. I need to do this now, Learn to love myself, now.